In which I attempt to analyze my problem

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby
So why don't you kill me?

Beck - Loser

Crappy emoing posts are lame.

If there is something that I have learn from blogging, it is that even those (or would it actually be the ones?) who are prolific bloggers with a load of followers are people who regard themselves as, to put it bluntly, losers.

And it makes me wonder, whether those essentially negative feelings are what makes those individuals expressive in the first place? I've seen people such as them, who are acute observer and a sharp writer, and they all seem to share this trait of having a certain degree of negativity - maybe it's because of their inherent nature, their environment, and a lot other factors, but I do notice how they tend to poke themselves (for example, see those blog posts, and you'll get what I mean)

The late Kurt Cobain, example of negativity that breeds creativity

And then it makes me think, is it a problem with self esteem? I mean, sure, they may be a big jerk here on the net, but on irl, do they have the same attitude? Or, come to think of it, would it be far off to say that it is a problem in self esteem that lead them to have those attitude in the first place?


I'm mentioning all this because I've only recently come to the realization that I have this one major problem with self esteem:

It was supposed to be a seminar on employability. But through the course, the speaker touch a lot on soft skill, personal communication, and the like, and had personally point out to me regarding my confidence and self esteem.

This was more than 2 month ago, by the way, so I'm not sure if you can really call it recent...

How to describe myself in one simple picture

But with that comment in mind, and recalling how I've fared in the last 15 years or so at school and uni, and thinking the possible future outcome if I were to keep on going as usual, I decided that something must be done about my long ongoing self esteem problem. 'cause you see, I'm this curious mix of somewhat-anti-social who is easy to be angered (with swearing added for good measure) and yet is actually not good at dealing with people for having this nagging shyness - there I said it.


Unfortunately, talking is easier than action, and I currently find my state of self esteem fluctuating; in observing myself, I have came to give a serious thought lately over a certain question - the ever important question of:

"What am I good at?"

And I'd be hard pressed to give you a definite answer. I'd like to say 'knowledgeable', but they're confined to typical academic text stuff. Practical stuff? I dunno. Art? Well, I like that field, but as you can see in my writings, they're just meh. And don't start on my drawings - they're fail yo. I like music too, but I'm just limited to listening - sorry, I'm no good at any of the instruments.

Man I'm still finding what I'm good at. Truth is, I'm into a lot of different things, but there isn't many things that I can claim to master them.

And this, I think, contribute greatly to my current low self esteem. Perhaps I should give a more serious thought on my strength.

...or perhaps I should stop worrying about this and just accept myself as it is. Heck, there's a lot of other unfortunate people out there who would be better off if they are in my shoes, I'm sure...



One thing I like about the internet is how easy it is to get the information that you're looking for. It's just a matter of whether you want to find said information or not.

And sometimes, not too unusually, you'll run into random-yet-awesome shit such as this. In my case, while the layout may be quite weird (this is a meme, mind), the message is loud and clear. And it's not that they are totally different from what those motivators would tell you as well - and it's for free, how sweet is that?

Although the wording may be a bit crude, I personally like this one:


These kind of things cheer me up when I'm feeling down. That's what I like about the internet - if you feel like you are the only person in this world to be in a certain problem, chances are, they are plenty of similar people out there - people who have faced those problems and move on with their lives.

And I think it's time I overcome my problem as well - one step at a time. Slowly, but surely!


tl;dr version: I might be a loser, but I'm trying my best on improving my self esteem. Here I goooooo

Thank you for putting up with this messy unstructured emoing post~