This is going to put off many people (hell, as if my usual ranting posts weren't enough - I am so sorry that this place have to step so low and become a bitching hole for me), but some things I just wanted to let it out. Besides, I need to clear my mind of all these negativity in preparation for next month.
So, urm, what's my face reaction at this point, I wonder. Like a man about to pour forth some sort of confession? An apathetic face? So frustrated that I wanted to cry?
Heavens know why I can't flip on the ignorant-is-bliss switch in my mind...
Incidentally, I got a Koishi for this random quiz on EX Stage Touhou characters. I thought it'd make a nice filler here, heh.
So on to the real meaty chunk of this 'oh god there he goes again' post: Last Wednesday, on my mostly solitary 9 hours train trip, I had plenty of time to suss out the state of my not so sunny and merry mind. And this result in a lengthy seven page scribbles, where whatever thoughts that came to me was jotted down (it was obviously written with this blog in mind, as you'll gleam from certain phrases and words). I'll just go ahead and copy it down, without any editing (save for the usual picspamming):
I'm fucking scared now
And so as I am one step closer to finishing my Degree in Science at this prestigious (that’s what they always sell) local university, I am feeling a sense of not relief… but overwhelmed by UNCERTAINTIES.
It is not a mere passing thought, that I had written that one rather random post on uncertainty – although admittedly I could have ‘cut the crap’, so to speak, and just get on with the real deal – which I would now like to stress. That I am terribly afraid of the future.
Holden Caulfield once commented that money ‘always end up making you blues as hell”. And let us face it – its what keeps us on turning. If you wanted to talk about an all-prevailing dark, terrible religion, then it would be the worship of money… but it is not my place to discuss that here. Sufficient it is to say that money is god; ergo, money is power.
Now. I noticed that majority of the people on my blogs’ lists faces even greater uncertainties – some of you are even NEETing, goodness me! And me? I will pass through NEET-dom in a short while. Cool, no problem with that.
But what comes after that truly scares me. I’m not gonna beat around the bushes there.
Allow me to give some possible scenario which could unfold: I could have straight away worked; or I could continue ay Master level – in which I could either be doing it research-based, classroom based, both either local or oversea; or I could pick up a guitar, shred like a boss, and don’t give a damn.
OK, so the last one is definitely out (although if I were to do it, I’d probably shave off all my hair and wear a funky glasses – you dig?)
I’m not gonna ask for anyone’s opinion on my choices (but if you have any free advice on it – then I thank you), but I thought I’ll just elaborate it here. You know, so that it would look coherent and all.
If I opted for work, I’d very much like to do something related to environment, engineering, or mining – as opposed to petroleum, which is more or less what most would-be graduates have in mind.
The problem is securing the job in the first place – you’d damn need some good connections to secure a position, what’s with all those currently unemployed geology graduates fighting for those jobs. Or you might end up doing something not even related to geology.
Since I am now very much early in my twenties, I figured I’ll continue my Masters, what’s with all the momentum going on. Here (in my university) I have two choice: 1) do an intensive, rigid, fixed, but overall safe classroom-based coursework, which would take only a year, or 2) do a flexible, but highly uncertain research-based coursework, which could take as less as a year or up to three to four years.
I am a lumbering, eccentric, book-smart person who took solace in tweaking around with various things, and I very much like the concept of ‘hands-on’ and trial-and-error. So doing a research based course seems like a good bet for a dreamy, scholar-wannabe like me. You could lambast this as seeking an intellectual refuge from the highly vicious and complex ‘outside world’.
Well, is it all that bad? Is it just that, despite the age I am living in, I had a very backward ancient way on how the world works? Maybe. Maybe I’m a dreamer… who will soon awake to the cold hard world where money do all the talking. I know that I couldn’t stay the same kid who is safely insulated from the ravages of the ‘outside world’…
I have a feeling that the time for me to give up on the ad-hoc relief ‘medications’ is high… and just thinking about it drives me to a corner in despair because I know how ice-cold the truth is.
And then, when I end up smelling either like a sweet rosy baby, or as a toilet bowl which had mysteriously exploded, then will all my doubt on this whole uncertainties be removed?
I still bloody get my ulcers bleeding over this whole thing. I could have easily picked up apathy and let life do whatever it wants with me. I’m still… optimistic, albeit with rage, fear, confusion, pain, and discontent thrown for good measure. Does I have what it takes to make this big decision for myself? Every man must make his own bed and lie on it – isn’t it written somewhere?
But there I go. At the end of the day, no matter how long I rant about this, no matter who I aimed this for, it still come out as a statement of ‘I am afraid of the world and all the uncertainties that it holds’.
The question is not ‘what if?’, but rather, ‘how?’. How am I going to see it through? How can I stop running around in circles and grain some footings on certainties? How will this post help me in the long run?
Oh Nue-chan, how I learned to fear and love you. You are so… alien (pun intended); my personal anthromorphism of the greatest fear of men (besides chaos and death)… yet I get a feeling that your manifestation made this world an interesting place to live and to die for.
Do as you like. Beat the daylight out of me – it’d be good for me to realise how uncertainty runs the show.
Death – now THAT’S certain.