Truthfully, it's not that I'm particularly enjoying this, but at the very least, I thought I'd write it down than just letting it bottle up before it explode... right?
Let's sit down and listen to me whine, peepsLast year, I underwent perhaps one of the most emo-ish period experienced so far, perhaps only rivaled during the one in 2008 (which I don't feel like talking about it much).
The turning point that began my (greater) emoing period would be sometime in August (I had my fair share of being an angry anxious person long before that), when we had this one speaker coming over to give a talk on employability. I thought, great, another one of those boring talk where they will tell us things which we have heard rehearsed a thousand times in books and other talk.
But boy was I wrong.
I don't know what the other participants has gotten out of the talk, but I felt as if I received a personal schooling from the speaker (I don't have anything against him, mind). How to put it... he made some comments on my awkward-reclusive-shy personality - tho it's not in a way as bad as you might imagined - and I found myself quick to agree with him, because I recognize what he said as true.
After that, I began to unnecessarily overanalyze myself, cringing whenever I did something which would considered as socially awkward (speaking incoherently, mumbling, fumbling with my fingers, those kind of things), which on hindsight may have made my so-called problems turning into a real big problem. It's a wonder that I didn't get stomach ulcer or stress out of it.
I guess I should also mention that I have a rather negative attitude and the tendency for self deprecation. So when I was told of this problem, they further act as a fuel to ensure that I have something to be unhappy and depressed about. I know, that sound rather stupid and pointless, but... there you have it.
The problem sounds rather obvious at this point, that it might actually comes down to myself, instead of the people around me. I mean, I could go on to blame some people for not shaping me up to be a sociable person (which might hold some degree of truth, if you want to get serious about it), but hey, what did I do to fix the problem?
But, the thing is, judging from the unnecessary stress caused in my readjusting phase, and given my long history of being a rather bad tempered and slightly awkward, perhaps it is an inherent property of mine that will gradually go away with the coming of time, and... heck, I dunno, it might just be me thinking too much about it.
Not everything came out futile though: while I was not really prepared to face the working world after hearing the talk (at least not yet), I have more-or-less at the same time rediscover my love for animu and other related stuff, after I found out that my daily lives have been pretty boring and uneventful. One thing leads to another, and before long I started to visit several of those conventions (all of which I went on my own, even). I met some cool people there, and it was pretty nice to be mingling with all the like minded people (in a way a slightly awkward social recluse as myself could mingle anyway). But anyway, back to the post...
Looking back, I guess I could now see the point made by Cpt.Awesome in response to my last ranting post. Maybe the harder I try to change myself, the more I'm drifting away from my real self.
This then immediately prompted me to question myself - who is exactly the 'real me' anyway? I find the question somewhat rather hard to answer, even though given that the question is concerned with my own self, I should know the answer better than anyone, right? And yet, I'm not so sure myself...
I wonder if anyone else is having this kind of problem as well.
I have a vague idea on what he's talking about
So why did I brought up the last topic here? It's because lately I've been thinking of how pressing society can be, the way it pushes for uniformity and conformity, alieanating the people that don't fit right in with the accepted values (I suppose you can refer to 'them' as the normalfags and moralfags). I haven't been really feeling the pressure from them, but they're beginning to make themselves more obvious day by day.
Hey, maybe that's what started this whole problem in the first place. Maybe I've slowly turning into one of the normalfags, without me realizing it...
So many maybes and speculations, heh. Anyone else is having similar problems?
Deep stuff, comrade. I'm sorry to read that you hold a negative view of yourself. If you're talking about 're-adjusting' yourself and such, THAT self-negativity is something that is worth trying to fix, in my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI guess I once took that 'over-analyzing myself in social situations' stance too. Circumstances led me to start harboring a negative view of society, and so I just stopped caring and trying to fit in. It appears you differ in this respect because you're trying to improve yourself.
>Who exactly is the 'real me' anyway?
Know that feel. I'm sure that's a question that several of us have faced before, and undoubtdly will again in the future, unfortunately. It's cool that you want to adjust yourself and improve in social areas and whatnot, but above all (I think, personally) you need to stay true to yourself. Don't neglect your own happiness.
You're certainly not turning into a normalfag. But don't worry about things like that. The way I see it, society is a harsh, unforgiving setting to get by in. I personally just do the bare minimum to get by, and not draw attention to myself. Don't feel you need to force yourself to completely conform to their values and stuff. 'Employability' is a different story though, sadly.
>don't ever give up on yourself
Sometimes I wonder why I even try so hard.
ReplyDeleteI guess it's like that too. Make things work for you and not the other way round, then you can take it easy as much as you want.
Very interesting introspect. I had a situation where I was trying to understand who the real me was as well. But then I decided to accept many characteristics about myself. Basically, accepting yourself will lead to a better you. If that makes any sense.
ReplyDeleteRemember to slow down and take it easy.
>don't ever give up on yourself
>After that, I began to unnecessarily overanalyze myself
ReplyDeleteI can relate somewhat. In school I was always told to not be like this and that. So there was a period when I started to overanalyze myself, and tried to be someone I was not.
>don't ever give up on yourself
I had similar thoughts during my high school years. I knew how I should be acting and eventually I even tried to become "normal". Obviously, it didn't last. The longer I kept it up, the more depressed I became so I just decided to put up a slight act when I had to interact socially. I would be friendly, but I would always make excuses to leave or not be able to attend something.
ReplyDeleteI'm more or less satisfied with how I deal with my social life now. I can pass for normal in the eyes of the public and I can be myself when I'm home.
I'll probably end up forever alone from doing this, but I would rather be alone than be caught up with people I don't like.