Title says it all. And THAT is precisely what I'm going to do here.
The usual familiar style of rambling and long winded words when writing posts of these natures.
[This was written on the whim yesterday morning, after I stayed up for something like 20+ hours. Probably I'm not making much sense then, but I'm not bothered with the cleanup and editing. I'll just post this one up and leave it here. Time to move on...]
You know, I am very, very fearful of the idea of having close relationship with others (i.e. intimacy). The fear is rooted in the word 'hurt': I don't feel like hurting myself, or the other side. For as much selfish and uncaring as what my aura might project, the aspect of hurting other just... bothers the hell out of me. Hell, I'd rather take all the hurting if that's what it takes not to hurt the other person, if it comes to that.
And so I subconsciously pushed people away from me. Maybe not by being a cold harsh-mouthed bastard, but sometimes, when it comes down to it, I couldn't help but realize how I seemingly gives off the aura that I dislike or doesn't want anything to do with the other person(s)... when actually it's the opposite way around.
I don't know. I had a rather lengthy talk with a certain online friend of mine about my current problem, and when he mentioned how keeping too much secrets makes it much harder for you to hide your true colour... I straightaway thought, THAT nails it right in the head.
In real life, I'm that quiet reserved secretive guy. Too much secretive in fact that if I died and then came back to life, I might be able to continue on 'living' for the rest of my 'life' without this fact being made known to the people around me. But of course, that's just a hyperbole, and I'm very much alive until this day, thank you for asking.
So getting back to the title: I am not big on opening up about myself - in real life more so, and online, it only concern certain people. Probably the biggest reason is the thought that 'I'm just a nobody; who the hell would care about my problem anyway?'. But really, if it comes down to it... don't you ever read about someone else's problem, and you said, 'hey, I know exactly what you mean'. Well? Does that mean that despite the feeling that you're all alone against the world, somewhere else is someone who knows exactly what you're feeling, and would bother to listen to your problems with nary a complaint?
I know for one thing that I'd certainly would sit down and listen to someone else's problem - so why is it then that I'm reluctant to play the reverse role? I think that has something to do with me having what it takes to listen, BUT to give advices or to help directly is... well, most of the time I'd feel so flustered and helpless just hearing about it that I'd have to sit down for a long time to even make a small comment or two.
What is it about online communication that makes some of us readily share our problem? (as I'm doing it right now) On one hand, the internet can bring out the worst of people, but on the other hand... you could connect with people you barely know, and yet you feel very much like home (see what I said just now about having a close understanding of someone else's plight). Because despite all the anonymousity, the distance, the lack of real physical touch... you could reach an amazing level of connecting with another person, so to speak.
Although, if you ask me personally, nothing beats the real thing - nothing better than a shoulder to cry on, as they say. There's only so much you could pour out in the 'net. And if you ask me... I'd very much like a hug every now and then. Or maybe something else that is physical - a handshake, a pat, a headbutt, fisting (not to the face). A caress...
I'll tell you this much: I don't usually feel like writing some of the things I mention here. Why? Because, well, it'd make me look like I'm just a hopeless and helpless person who can't do anything but complain, isn't it? And who would read it and care about what's going with me - in the age where nobody likes reading a windy non-linear writing on a person's predicament?
Maybe. Maybe it doesn't have to be that way. Is it wrong to hope that, despite feeling utterly alone, out there, someone is thinking about you?
Heck, I do think about some people I don't know much other than what s/he shares on the internet, and I can't be considered someone who is perfectly understanding and empathic. Can we bet on it that someone out there, someone who is more caring and kind, is thinking about someone else, even when the second person felt that s/he's on his/her own against the world?
And now consider if the second person decided to do something drastic, or if s/he changes her life completely on the assumption that no one cares about him/her... That can make you feel quite depressed and sad when you think hard about it, isn't it?
In any case: there I have said it. If anything, this serves as my ad-hoc relief. Might as well get it out of the system than keeping it locked up, where it then festers to become a real serious problem. It is written here then, to validate my feelings and thoughts, and to just point it out that, yes, I'm feeling unhappy and upset, and if anyone out there feels the same way... that I know exactly what you're going through.
Usually I'd construct these kind of posts in a way that I'm asking for some kind of feedback, but from here on I've decided to really stick to it and write for the sake of writing and self-expression. Mm.
On the same note, I'll also add that it is perhaps not surprising that sex is something that can make me rather uncomfortable. Sure I could think and imagine all sort of perverty stuff, but the real thing itself, it does seems to me that they are quite pai-
...yes I'm sure you could fill in the rest. S-shut up; I don't want to talk about it! (at least, not in here, not now).