Thursday, December 13, 2012

Self-esteem, pride, jerks, and the meek.

"I don't know how everyone else feels...but I definitely go through periods of extreme self-confidence, feeling like I can do anything. Perhaps a fan will sense that, like in a performance, and the hero image creeps out. But then someone will say something, however insignificant, or I'll get something in my head and, all of a sudden, I'm plummeting in the opposite direction, I'm a piece of shit, and I really can't do anything about it. That's where "Outshined" comes from, and why I'll never consider myself a hero."
Chris Cornell 

We desperately try to get others attention, but for what purpose?

It seems that most of us are guilty of building our self-esteem based on how others treat us. We expect  praises, detest critics, and grew anxious for lack of attention given to us. It might be somewhat acceptable if we react as such at the present, but it's a problem if we held on to those words, and project our sense of self-esteem based on how others view us.

In the grand scheme of things, no one gives a damn on how you're faring - whether you're excelling or tumbling. Just think of it this way: if you are worried yourself on your insecurities more than how others are faring, why wouldn't others feel the same?

On what I would call the two ends of self-esteem issues, I'd group two type of people: the ego monster, and the depressed stickman. We're all probably familiar with these kind of people - it might be us, even!

The ego monster has an ego bigger than the whole world, and they damn well demand the proper attentions be given to them. Usually they are quick to react to what they perceive as an attack to their self-esteem or pride - poke them, and watch them explode! They're very confident and are usually very good at persuasion, but they can be overbearing at times. Sometimes they goes into a bit of self-depreciation - but only to grab others attention (also known as attention whoring). Pull away the attention from them, and they deflate into  depression. They are jerks that are built from their sense of low self-esteem.

The depressed stickman has some issue standing out - they make themselves almost invisible (projecting themselves 1-dimensionally - hence the stickman analogy that I'm using), and they're too bloody meek. Not just plain meek, but so lacking in confidence to the point of people not trusting in them. On the other hand, they tend to be very introspected in their thinking - they usually could figure out things others wouldn't do so, but their 1-dimensional projection makes it hard for others to give them due respect. With not much confidence in themselves, not even motivations from others could rouse them. As such, they could be very sarcastic, nasty to others, and prone to series of self-depreciations (and they really mean it in putting themselves down). They are sad shadows that hang around people... Make no mistake, it's their ego at work too.

The big question I keep asking myself is where do you draw the line between being humble, confident, low self esteem, or egoistic megalomaniac? We keep on hearing motivational words thrown along the lines of 'just do it!', but just how effective they are in self motivation? Are these 'motivation' making the egoistic maniac's heads grow bigger, or are these actually making the meek more painfully aware of their shortcomings?

Maybe in the first place, we failed to see how our lack of self-respect brought all these problems, creating those two polar opposites. It's rather sad how little pride we have in ourself, and how we either constantly needs others approval, or we are a sorry sad of ourself, devoid of confidence and oozing of negativity.

It is because we don't respect ourselves that we brought all these problems to ourselves.  It's because we value so much of others approval - or we demand that others need our approval - that we waste our time on little things that are a waste of our time. 

In the big picture, maybe we shouldn't really give much attention to these trivial things. No one truly makes you feel better when you are down, and no one truly brings you down when you're at the top - it's you, yourself that does it to yourself: it's your ego at work. If anything, you may take comfort on how others share the same sense of insecurity as we do, no matter how confident they may appear.

At least, I'm slowly coming to term that no one is as perfect as what they might project themselves. Each has their own hopes, fears, and insecurities.

I want to live my life without as much ego as I could. I want to tear it apart and let myself be rid of all the bullshit.

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