Sunday, June 1, 2014

To Laura

I had casually mentioned on the rather clear influence of Evanescence's Going Under on one metal arrangement of Plain Asia:

And feeling just like going on a trip through time, I went back and listened to the piece by Evanescence

when suddenly, bam, just like that. A trip down memory's lane.

I thought of a girl I had a crush on way back. And this was after, 4-6 years since I last saw her? (online, since it's really through a particular Pokemon message board (Pokemasters, not sure if they're still alive and kicking)) that we met. And if you ask me to this day, I can't say exactly what it was that made me just feel interested in her.

It seemed like a lifetime ago.

I remember how it was something like a meeting of a similar mind. This was way back when I was in my teen years, where I was the ever confused and rapidly learning on what life is - just as how other teenagers would act. So perhaps naturally, I was drawn to how she had painfully open up on how she was battling series of depression events; how, as a teenager whose chief life philosophy at that time was 'life is unfair' could relate with really well.

Even online, she didn't really hit it of well with other people, being the brunt of online bullying (and this was way before Facebook and such were the thing - God knows what would have happened if the site had existed then). But it was more than just relating with teenage ranting and hopes and fears, because it was then that, whether I realized it back then or not, that I know people like us are... different.

Or maybe we just didn't want to fit in.

I remember discovering a few interesting series from her, the highly odd and - if I dare to use the word - philosophical Serial Experiments Lain being the one that I would forever thank her for indirectly leading me to discover. It is a series that have opened up doors to other 'deep' stories, and I remember being mesmerized by its depiction of technological and human evolution... but perhaps I'm digressing a bit there.

Can't forget Catcher In The Rye too, that's like an essential for all angsty teenagers trying to come to term with life. And it would be later when I would return to Kino's Journey, something else that I have found out from her.

There was also a slew of other things which I could click with, such as the aforementioned Evanescence as well as other similarly... 'emo' lyrically themed bands (Linkin Park? System Of A Down? Breaking Benjamin? Staind? If you know these names, then you were in that phase) at the time. There's also the whole question of being interested in morbid stuff like dark religions and beliefs (it was a phase), psychology, art, politics...

I would always associate Lain and Kikyou (the somewhat perpetually angry miko from Inuyasha - now that's quite an old series there) with her, because of two words: frailty, angst.

...Hey, with that said, I guess it wasn't just a simple case of 'liking', or 'crush' in a straightforward definition... Might it actually be pity? Not really love (oh, it's that word)?

I do not know, but I suspect it was that, as well as being able to relate to what she was feeling. We were angsty and angry teenagers; birds of same feathers flock together and all that...

And truth to be told, I did once confessed to her on that little bit of feeling I had for her, but she felt that things wouldn't work, what's with the distance and everything (she was in the United States of A, I was and still in Malaysia), not to mention that she was always in a constant on-off relationship with her significant other (though I'm not sure if they have actually progressed beyond online relationship...). And that's that.

And because of the whole going down the memory lane thingie, I stumbled upon my old writings, and oh, God, they were so terrible that I'd cringe reading them ahahahahaha.


I had begun to slowly become less and less active with the board, and before my last known visit to the board (in 2010), she had vanished off the site, as well as the usual chats. I have no idea if she had simply move on with other things in life, although I can't help but think of another worse case scenario, given how she was on a constant depressive state. God knows what happened.

I've been thinking how much I have changed since then - the old antisocial behaviours are still there, but I tried real hard when it comes to society interaction; I've lost a bit of the young spark (and a touch of naivety) back then; my sense for twisted humour and silly ideas still persisting - and looking back at the past really help to look clearly just how I've matured (I hope through time), and I just can't help wondering how she would faring right now, after getting through the teenager period.

I guess if I would like to direct this to her, it would be:

To Laura,

I don't know how you're doing, whether you would even come across this

But I just wanted to say:

Thank you for all the time spent

Laughing, crying, getting riled up, or just being plain silly and such

As we tried to make sense of the world;

We were never out to change it, nor to love it or hate it

But we were just trying make sense of our lives ;

Wherever you are, I wish you well.


(the bloke that went by the grammatically challenged username darktyranitar)

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