The struggle of drawing

Self potrait, back in my weaboo-er days

Last weekeend I was at Comic Fiesta, one where I was more into one of the two things which attract me to the event (ie comics/doujin arts, and cosplay), and you could see my thoughts in previous entry.

After having some discussion and chat with doujin artist through the event, I took a quick look at some of my old drawings, in an attempt to really get down to what is it that really pull me into drawing? What is it that makes me tick?

While I can't say with utmost certainty what it is exactly that lead me to pursue drawing, one thing is certain: I have been struggling with drawing for a long time, and it is something which I've pursued way back when I was in my late primary school years. I had no focus or goal in mind at that time, tho - it was more of a 'draw things which interest me', and majority of my drawings at that time are just copies of others' works, or random scribbles and doodles in exercise book. 

Perhaps the earliest example that I could find, on attempting the hardest subject for beginning artist: hands!

Probably the earliest attempt of self potrait: my short stint in National Service 

My more idealistic (and perhaps extreme) younger days 

Stream of conciousness doddle, where I'm all over the place. Also...

...my earlier forage into puns. Heh.

My angrier and more self-depreciation prone days (and still am, you could argue)

Then in 2010, two incredible things happened:

1) I discovered Touhou Project, which offer me a subject and characters which interest me a lot - something which hadn't happened since I picked up Pokemon; and 

2) I bought a sketchbook, and begun to keep a regular habit of drawing (with perhaps my first attempt at drawing still life)

I had been struggling a lot with drawing, as these few sketches have attested. I was really frustrated that my drawings aren't coming out so well, and yet... to be honest, I didn't really want to get into the tedious practice regime, because I just wanna draw, for goodness sake!

I suppose like most beginning artist I was impatient, I was only interested in getting out stuff that interest me without wanting to do the hard work. As a result you get these self depreciating remarks...

2011 came, and I found myself depleted from whatever it was that pushed me into drawing...

Looking back, I would guess that my involvement in the, ah, more social part of ACG have lead to a decline in drawing. 'cos as someone once pointed out, cosplay is more vocal than doujin work. Now that's something that I'd like to talk about in future posts...

And those are the last hurrah at my attempt at looking at what I expect out of drawing, and would mark my last 'personal' rambling placed in the form of drawing. Perhaps I was unconsciously preparing myself to stop drawing for good, thinking that there were far more interesting things that I'd like to pursue...

Looking back to to the present, I guess a lot of things haven't changed: I'm still as angry and insecure as ever (though I'd like to think I've learned to mellow down throughout the years), and I'm still struggling with my drawings, both in term of getting better at it and figuring out why is it exactly that I picked up drawing.

But perhaps it is pointless for me to ponder on that matter for too long - after all, look at my last serious attempt at introspection, and the long hiatus of drawing which follows! 

But I believe that is an important question to ponder upon. And whether I would arrive to the answer soon, or if it'll take a while for it to make itself clear, I know that the struggle to reach there is real - and though far I have trod, there's still a long way to go!

I am glad that I picked up drawing again after those long period of inactivity - and that, will be a subject of future entry.